This Is True

This piece is so titled because I want you to keep that in mind as you read it. All of this is 100% true, as reported by the given sources.

They’re changing the name of Swine Flu. It is now “H1N1 Influenza A.” Good. That sounds like something relevant to my life. And forget two syllables; let's make it nine. You can read the whole article here.


But perhaps the most upsetting part about the name change is not the new name itself, but rather the reason the World Health Organization (WHO) felt they had to change the name. Apparently, because the virus was called Swine Flu, people decided that pigs were the root of all evil. Countries started banning pig products. Egypt ordered the slaughter of thousands of pigs. Well, you can understand why Swine Flu made people decide all pigs were bad--during the Mad Cow Disease scare earlier this decade, I believe all of THREE COWS got sick. And then there was that Bird Flu pandemic that hit us all so hard. And all this in the aftermath of the technological apocalypse of 2000 that really actually happened as we were promised.

So now, instead of explaining to people in sufficient detail why they should not fear all pigs, the WHO just went ahead and changed the name of the virus. But you know what's going to happen, don't you? Well, I'm an Internet writer, so I do. It's going to become "The Virus Formerly known as Swine Flu." People are going to continue their pig boycott, thinking that they're seeing through the bullshit, when really they're just acting completely stupid, going into panic mode and overdoing everything, like they do so well.*

In case this incredible display of stupidity were not enough, Deputy Health Minister of Israel Yakov Litzman jumped into the arena with another suggestion of what to call the virus: "We should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu." Apparently, he was offended by the use of the term "Swine Flu," because the Jewish religion forbids the eating of pigs.

I'm not sure I understand. I once told my Jewish friend that the hot dog I was eating was, quote, "Good." Was that wrong? Was he terribly offended by that? I don't get it. It's not called "Fuck Jews, pigs are great" flu. If anything, judging by the information in the previous paragraphs, calling it "Swine Flu" gives a negative connotation about pigs. But no, Yakov is offended by pigs. He's even offended by the mention of pigs, no matter the context. Could we say he's in denial about pigs'? Does he think pigs do not have a right to exist? Perhaps Yakov Litzman wants to wipe pigs off the face of the earth. I think Yakov Litzman needs to choose his words a little more fucking carefully.

Instead of "Swine Flu," he wants to call it "Mexican Flu." Swine Flu is offensive; Mexican Flu is preferable. And the most disturbing part is, no one called him out on this. No one said "Hey, um, excuse me, but you're a fucking idiot. Since when is it not okay to name something after a food you don't like, but okay to put down an entire nation of people when you, yourself, come from an oppressed, discriminated-against race and should understand why it is wrong to single out a group in that way? Kill yourself, asshole."

No one said that. The scientists said that nothing about the virus was inherently Mexican, and calling it Mexican Flu could be stigmatizing. End of story. Yakov keeps his job. Meanwhile, the people who control your life continue to argue about the name of the virus instead of working on finding a way for it not to kill you.

This is true.

We are fucked. And not because of a virus.

-Joe




*Another example of this cultural freak-out is the soy craze. Asian people have done well eating soy, so the West is now putting soy in almost everything. It is now possible to eat a soy product for every meal, snack, and dessert. You can find soy ingredients in 60% of "foods sold in supermarkets and natural food stores." Asians have never eaten anywhere near this much soy. This excessive soy intake is now raising health concerns.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/30/swine-flu-gets-new-name-b_n_193772.html
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090427/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_odd_israel_kosher_flu
http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/food/soy_story.html

Milton & The...Hitman???

This is kind of awesome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton_Beasley

Does that name remind you of someone?

Don't mess with us.

-Joe

Fish

I just found out that in Sweden, they market Swedish Fish as "Fish." I think this is one of the funniest things ever. From this fact, Ryan and I have crafted what we believe is a perfect joke:

Joe: Apparently in Sweden they just call Swedish Fish "Fish." And in Germany they call Hamburgers "Meat."

Ryan: Same with Frankfurters. And the Jews.

-Joe
Milton & The Duke

Mad Science

Internets,

I sometimes think I’m part of some crazy social experiment.

Little things happen all the time that just seem a little too arbitrary.

I lose pens and pencils that I had just seconds ago. I use vending machines and get change that is off by just a little bit. Things like this that are just too small to be under the contract of physical law, but too big to go unnoticed.

In one of my classes, I generally sit at a table in the corner. The classroom doesn’t have tables except for this one corner, and I always sit at it because I like where it is and I like the extra space. And every day, the situation is somewhat different. Some days there are two chairs at the table, sometimes just one. Sometimes the chairs are regular chairs, sometimes the chairs are the chair-desk combos like the ones that fill the rest of the room. Today, I entered the class to find that the table simply wasn’t there at all. Just one chair-desk. None of this makes my day any better or any worse. Just like momentarily losing pens on my desk, this event is entirely inconsequential. I find my pen moments later, somewhere I didn’t put it, and I take whatever seat is there, because I need a seat and it matters very little what seat it is.

But I can’t imagine that these things are all just chance. If I was just getting incorrect change one in a while, I wouldn’t think much of it, but in combination with this pen-relocation and chair fidgeting, I have to start to wonder.

I don’t know what kind of information anyone would hope to gain from doing these things to me. But I never know what scientists are trying to find out from anything. Science, like math and business, is a field that I have no aptitude for. I am consistently glad that so many people pursue those fields, because otherwise I would have to do it myself, and then everyone would be in a bad place.

Maybe these scientists test me to find out how resourceful I am. They move my desk and then see if I’m able to find another. Or they take my change to find what I’ll do later when I was originally planning to put 75 cents of gas into my car when now I can only put 50 cents in. Maybe these men of science do it to see the confused look on my face when I can’t find my pen, and they photograph and measure it, and then maybe they put it into video games and movies. Or maybe they just do it because they know that there’s nothing I can do about any of it and they think it’s funny. Sometimes people are just assholes. Never forget that.

Love,
Ryan

Failure Makes Perfect

I was never very good at school. I'm still not. That's why I do this.

But something that always really bothers me about school is when you go turn in your test and the teacher reminds you to do the bonus question. Like I just chose not to do it. "No, I'm satisfied with a D-. I don't need all the help I can get. I'm just gonna leave that one blank even though I know the answer." I really had a problem with this in Italian class. I could never understand the work. It was like reading a foreign language.

Ah well, I just remind myself, they don't put your grades on the diploma. At least that's what my doctor always told me. And he's smart - he's a doctor!

What I want to know is how do they hire these doctor's office receptionists? I think all you need is a voice. "Can you say 'please hold'? You got the job."

I called and said "Hey, my medication isn't working, what should I do?" So the doctor wanted me to...try a different medication! Simple, right?

NO! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT IDEA?1?!?!?

It took me literally 5 days and 4 different people to get that answer. And not one of those people was the doctor. I kept asking to talk to the doctor. They really don't like that. It's like trying to get into the Emerald City to see the wizard. Try getting a doctor on the phone. You can't do it. What is that? Did they really use up so much of their brains learning how to choke you with popsicle sticks and saw "Uh, try this medication" that they forgot how to use a phone?

Being a doctor is easy. Everyone thinks you're smart, but in the end, you're not really expected to know anything. No matter how bad you fuck up, you can just say "Well, that's why they call it the practice of medicine!" Can you believe that shit? They should call it the failure of medicine.

"Yeah, just got my PhD. I'm gonna open up my own failure clinic. Yeah, I've been able to help a few people. Sure, a few are worse off than before, but you know, that's why they call it the failure of medicine."

One thing I really don't understand is how a person becomes a proctologist. What is it that makes a person want to dedicate his life to the ass? I say "he" because I assume most proctologists are men. For some reason I can't picture a woman choosing this path. But a guy would become a proctologist as a joke. A guy would decide drunk, on a dare, to be a proctologist. A guy would go to med school, give up ten years of his life, never sleep again, and LOOK AT PEOPLE'S ASSES FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, just for the gag.

"Dude, you dare me to become a butt doctor? It's gonna be SO funny. I'm totally gonna do it. Watch me, I'm totally gonna do it."

-Joe

From Journaler to eJournaler

(This is Part 2. See Part 1)

Journalers,

Alright, so now you know all that you need to know about how to keep a paper journal. You know how to create the impression that you’re full of anger and you know how to ignore your journal for months at a time. But now you want strangers to be able to criticize your life choices. “How,” you ask, “can I find out what preteens and bitter adults think about what I choose to do?” Well, you, I have an answer. And that answer is the Internet. The Internet is just full places where you can turn your under-analyzed ramblings into over-analyzed ramblings. For example, you might hold the ill-conceived belief that a certain band is dumb. All you have to do is post it on the Internet and soon some helpful person will make sure you know that thinking what you do makes you mentally challenged and a homosexual. If this appeals to you (and how could it not!) then read ahead and we’ll find the best places for you to get started.

LiveJournal
This is the baseline for all Internet journals. The first benefit of this site (and all online journals) is that instead of using a small and portable journal, you get to type this one into a computer! That will allow you to spend a lot more time sitting inside in the dark. And that’s lucky, because LiveJournal has a substantial online community crying out for your thoughts and opinions. Keep in mind, most of the people who use this are very young or massively immature. That doesn’t mean you should show any leniency in your judgments, just that you should remember to use these labels as insults. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ALSO APPLY TO YOU. The Internet is no place to fear hypocrisy.

Another benefit of LiveJournal is that you can really get to know the people on there. After all, why would they say something that wasn’t true? You can be sure that everything they say is fair and impartial. And if you get even slightly suspicious of that, you can feel free to comment and accuse them of being terrible liars. Then you can write a LiveJournal entry saying “It hrrts me so much when SUM people lie. I dont know why people everywere just dont tell the truth all the time. Then there wodnt be animore war.” Ta-da! You’ve just written an INCREDIBLY subtle attack and figured out world peace in just one entry! Thanks, LiveJournal!

Blue Kaffee
This is LiveJournal but for Canadians. I think it’s basically the same. It might be more polite. I’m not sure.

Twitter
This one might make you a little nervous. Try to stay calm when I tell you that, if you use twitter, your entries will be limited to 140 characters or less. I know! Your thoughts are far too important and all encompassing to fit in such small space! But it’s ok. You can just post (or “tweet”) thousands of times a day to make up for that. Another benefit of Twitter is that it’s super easy to do absolutely any time from anywhere. Having lunch? Tweet it! Watching a movie? Tweet it! Getting beat up for eating and tweeting in a movie theater? Tweet it!

Plus, Twitter has one bonus that other online journals can’t match. CELEBRITIES! And they’re just like you but better! Thanks to Twitter, you’re free to send your 140-character ramblings to any of a range of these gods among men. Ashton Kutcher! LeVar Burton! Me! Who knows, you and a celebrity might end up being best friends forever! It worked for Fred Durst! He’s friends with Neil Diamond now! What? Fred Durst was already famous? Oh. I guess I confused fame with worth. Anyway…

MySpace
Not worth it.

Facebook
Some people have chosen to twist Facebook’s (admittedly poorly realized) stated objective of connecting people and creating networks. They have decided to pervert the already awful Facebook into a method of forcing their journal on family, friends, and co-workers. Sure, LiveJournal allows strangers to stumble across your page, but how can you be absolutely sure people are reading it? Well, make sure those people are your friends, so you can guilt them into reading! Just slap together a Facebook note and tag your buddies. Of course, you shouldn’t post the same things here that you can post on more anonymous sites. Your boss probably doesn’t need to know about your sexual dysfunctions. Here are some suggested topics:
“What Friendship Means to Me”
“Tell Me What You Like About Me”
“A Slightly-Too-Personal Poem I Wrote”
Make sure you end most of your notes with “If I didn’t tag you, it doesn’t mean we’re not friends!” Because otherwise people will absolutely hate you. Because people care about Facebook notes.

And there you have it. A starter’s guide to eJournaling. (Or is it iJournaling now?) Of course, all of these things are for personal journal-type websites. You might feel above this. Sure, you have your own life problems, but you also have tons and tons and tons of unfounded advice. Then you might want to enter the world of blogs, or “The Blogoshpere.” Well stay with me. We’ll get there next.

Love,
Ryan

(Part 3: The Blogosphere coming soon!)

Davis St.Murphy: Orange Juice Investigator

Watch this documentary on Davis St.Murphy.




Ryan

From Joker to Journaler

Internet,

I like the idea of a journal. I think it’s a good idea to get your thoughts out on paper. It can make you learn some things about yourself or it can help you remember how you got over bad situations. The problem is, I’m really bad at journaling. I get very self-conscious and have trouble committing. My journals tend to start with a few entries about how stupid I feel writing in a journal and then they taper off from there pretty quickly. Many people keep journals their whole lives and really enjoy it. However, none of those people write on this site and my primary goal is to teach (go with it), so I’ve written you a Journaling Starter Guide based on what experiences I’ve had as a journaler.

Size: Do you want to be able to journal “in the moment”? To irritate people by writing down what they’re saying to you as they say it? To miss actually experiencing life because you’re so busy chronicling it? Then you’ll want something portable. Maybe something you can put in your hat like an old-timey newspaper man. Maybe not. But (journal) size still matters. Maybe you just want a journal that you can attack like an artist attacks a canvas. An angsty angsty canvas. Maybe you want to spread your anger across as much surface area as possible. Maybe you just write big. Bigly? Bigly. Then you’re going to need a biglier journal. Size is kind of a no-brainer, actually.

Design: Design is an important element because it will confront you every time you try and write in your journal. You probably don’t want to get too ironic. It might be hard to write about your latest sexual embarrassment with Dora the Explorer staring at you from the header of your pink, stationaried page. You also probably don’t want get some kind of ridiculous fancy custom journal with your boy/girlfriend’s face on it. That’s a sure way to end a relationship (damn you, fickle Fate!). Of course, you also have to make sure you don’t get too serious with the design either.. Nothing invites secret-stealers faster than a hefty somber notebook labeled “MY VERY INTENSE AND IMPORTANT SECRET THOUGHTS.” Also, if you’re labeling your journal like that, you’re an asshole. Speaking of journal security…

Security: Don’t buy a book with a lock on it. Seriously? Don’t do it. Firstly, because seeing a tiny ineffective lock on anything makes me want to smash it with a rock. Those tiny locks are so useless, I’m pretty sure I could pick one with my fingers. And given the opportunity to crack a lock and feel like (an admittedly low-rent) James Bond, I have no choice but to act. Secondly, everyone knows how bad these locks are, and if they see you with one, they’re going to think you’re an idiot for trying. Plus, locks are a challenge of sorts. They’re saying “these thoughts are too important for you. You couldn’t handle them.” I want to know what’s so secret and important that you feel I can’t deal with it. For security, your best bet is just a good hiding place. And maybe a willingness to attack trespassers with a hammer.

Your First Entry: Try introducing yourself to the journal. If this is your first journal, you could write something like “My friend told me I should try writing in a journal, so I guess I’m giving it a try.” Try to resist the urge to call your friend a bitch. That’s a little intense for a first entry. Save it for a couple pages. Instead, continue “I probably won’t really write in here much.” That way you won’t feel the harsh white stare of the paper quite so strongly the next time you look at the journal several months later.

Later entries: Your next entry should be much later than the first. Months, at least. It should say something like “Wow, sorry I haven’t written in so long. Things have been so busy.” Make sure not to think about why you’re apologizing to a book. Then spend some time describing, in vague, broad strokes, the events of the last few months. Don’t get into too much detail! Remember, the journaling is far more important than exorcising whatever “feelings” you might have. Every entry from the third entry onward should be angry, misspelled tirades separated from its neighbors by months. Make sure that if anyone were to find this journal, they would think you were a rage-filled person with a horror-ridden life, even though these entries represent only the very few difficult moments in your life. You must never write about being happy. That’s super boring to read about. And make sure never to skip unnecessary pages. You need to make sure you leave plenty of room for all the other entries that you’ll never write.

Your last entry: There should be no specific last entry. Your journal should end abruptly, about a third of the way through the book after some kind of innocuous entry about why you don’t like your sister. The rest of the book should stay blank. This represents…something. Fuck it. You’re busy. You have real life to live. What’s the point of all this anyway? Maybe you’re just not someone who writes a journal. You don’t need to write everything down just to feel validated.

However, if your daughter is taken by European sex-traders, write that shit. It would make an awesome Liam Neeson movie.

And there you have it. You’re a journaler!

You’re welcome,
Ryan

PS. Some of you may be thinking “BUT WHAT ABOUT INTERNET JOURNALING!” Well, first, calm down! You’re freaking out! Second, I’ll be addressing that soon. Stay tuned!

Terror Alert Red

The finale of our Terror Alert Series! If you haven't seen them already check out Terror Alerts Yellow, Orange, and Blue.

Craze-cation

My family and I went to Disney World a few years ago, and my dad got this book that tells you the best time to go to all the rides and the restaurants to avoid crowds. And I said, "Dad, that book is available to everyone. If everyone gets it then everyone will show up at the same time and there will be crowds anyway." But then I realized, no one bought that book. My dad is a crazy person.

"Wake up! We have to get to Splash Mountain NOW!"
"Dad, it's 3 in the morning. No one's going on Splash Mountain yet."
"Well I guess I'm always wrong!"
"No, Dad, I didn't say anything about always. Just now. Right now you're very, very wrong."

-Joe

P.S. Episode 3 of our podcast, Milton & The Duke: Seems Like The Truth, should be up on itunes this weekend. And watch for the finale of our Terror Alert series on youtube as well.

Terror Alert: Blue

The next installment in the Terror Alert saga. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion!

-Joe