My Run-in with the Ivy League

It's story time.

After Thanksgiving dinner and after my grandparents and aunt and uncle had gone home, I went to hang out over at my good friend Nick's house. Nick had a huge group of his friends from Princeton over. I guess a lot of them live far away so he let them stay at his house. It's cool, they're a nice group. Anyway, I come over and sit down in the living room with them and there's a big intellectual, Ive League discussion going on about socialism or libertarianism or some shit. Psh, I go to Ithaca, ok? But that's fine. I myself have dabbled with intellectualism from time to time. But I really didn't give a shit about this conversation. Even Nick was uninterested in partaking. So I waited for a break in the conversation (they were rare and short-lived), and when I finally I had one I leaned forward and said "Ok, wait a minute.......Has anyone heard the new AC/DC album?"

And guess what? THEY FUCKING STARTED TALKING ABOUT AC/DC! It was one of the greatest moments of my life. Within seconds I made a group of Princeton kids shift their conversation from the philosophy behind anarchism and the limits of autonomy to '80s metal.

Then someone mentioned Chinese Democracy, the new Guns N' Roses album (which I wrote about in my last post). That pleased me as well, until one of them went on to actually talk about the politics of China. That preppy bastard made us slip back into intelligent discourse. But never fear, I was ready to pervert it once again. I chimed in saying "Did you know China banned Chinese Democracy?" And he said "Well yeah, of course, there's no democracy in China." And I said "No, I mean the album. There's some sort of pun in there." And he said "No I think that's more of an ironic thing" and I said "No I think China couldn't handle the irony of the phrase Chinese Democracy and therefore banned Chinese Democracy, the album, after having banned actual democracy in China - Chinese Democracy. There's your pun."

They didn't know what to say after that.

And that is the story of how I blew the minds of a room full of Princeton kids with word play.

Snuggles,
-Joe

Why China Sucks

Oh goodness, what is this strange background upon which I blog? Jesus, I go home for 4 days and Ryan changes everything. It's so damn green.

Anyway, I have a post, but I feel I must put forth this disclaimer, lest I mysteriously disappear in the night at the hands of the FBI or the Chinese Government or the ACLU.

Disclaimer: I am not haranguing the Chinese race with this post, I am haranguing the Chinese government. I have nothing against Chinese people, just their evil, evil government. I have many Chinese friends. Ok, two. And they're brothers. And they're actually Taiwanese. And they went to an American school...But my point stands!

I'm going to talk to you about why China sucks.

For starters, you can't read this blog in China. The government blocks it. I guess they don't think we're funny.

But my main point stems from a recent news story that informed of how the Chinese Government banned Axl Rose's new album Chinese Democracy (You can find the story here). What's the matter, China, can't handle a little irony? There's some kind of pun in China banning Chinese Democracy.

The Global Times describes the album as "venomously attacking China," and "unidentified Chinese internet users" apparently believe that it is part of a plot by the West to "grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn."

Well I need to make a correction: I would like to express my hatred of the Chinese Government and Chinese bloggers.

People, when the US Government starts working with Axl Rose, China has to give up. That's the rule. We deserve to rule the world at that point. In case you don't know who Axl Rose is, he is the lead singer of Guns N' Roses, a crazy metal band from the 80s, the members of which he sued to keep the name when the rest of them quit because of his absurd behavior on and off stage that can only be attributed to sheer madness. This is who the Chinese thinks is working with the US Government to take them down.

This is just another move by the Chinese Government to hide all evidence of their bullshit communist nonsense from their people. I make fun of America sometimes, but seriously, America's awesome. We have it so good here. There's almost always someone there to tell us when our government is doing something stupid or awful, and in America, that's completely allowed. China, on the other hand, bans everything that makes them look bad, even if it's true. If you haven't heard the title track from Chinese Democracy (and you like crazy wailing hard rock) you should check it out, but here are the lyrics. Tell me if there is anything inaccurate in there. And then tell me China has the right idea in terms of their politics. And then tell me China doesn't suck.

You can't.
.......................................................................................

While I'm on the subject, I think I'll do a lil' review of Chinese Democracy. Because in the same article where I found the thing about China, The New York Times is quoted as calling the album "the work of a fading rock star with far too much money and time on his hands, and no one around who could tell him: 'No'."

This is my question: So the fuck what? Have you heard this album? Axl Rose needs to be given too much time and money more often. And the only reason he was ever "fading" was because he was taking so much time to make this album as awesome as it is. Right off the bat he unleashes his scream from hell and let's you know that he's still Axl motherfucking Rose, and no one can ever stop him. You try being a heavy drinking chain-smoker on heroin and scream your lungs out for 20 years and see if you can still sing like that.

You can't.

It's not Guns N' Roses, and it's wrong of him to call it that. It's Axl Rose and about 20 different guys over 15 years through endless collaboration and sound effects work. All of this is true. And it's one of the most badass things I have ever heard. Just think of it as Axl Rose's solo album. Now get over it and love Chinese Democracy like you know you should. And China, stop being awful.
........................................................................................

In conclusion,
China: Fail
New York Times: Fail
Axl Rose: Win

Hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons,
-Joe

Uh-oh

Internet,

I think I messed up pretty bad. I was screwing around on the internet today and I think I downloaded a virus. This warning popped up:







Gotcha!!!


But seriously, right?

Awesome,
Ryan

New Theme

Internet,

I have been busy today.

Well, not in the traditional sense of "actively going and doing things." I haven't "been outside" or whatever. But I've still been busy.

Probably you've noticed that the blog looks entirely different. I hope you noticed. And not just because of my own personal "notice me notice me" complex. Also, because, if you didn't notice, you're probably not healthy.

But the point is, I just spent hours trying to make the blog a little more manageable and attractive, and I hopefully succeeded.

I learned a few things from the experience:

1. Blogger is a pain in the ass

• It really is. It refuses to do pretty much anything that's interesting. Blogger appears to be made for either people who don't know what they're doing and don't care or people who are crazy computer people. Unfortunately I'm somewhere in the middle. I spent so long just trying to find out how to set a picture as my background. I never did figure that one out.
  

2. Grass, no matter what the situation, is a bitch to make

• Grass is terrible. Just. Fucking. Terrible. Last year I had a project where I had to make it look like grass was growing out of a calculator. (Don't ask.) AND IT WAS SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS. I used green Post-It notes and glued them together in a sort of horrizontal stack and cut tiny little slits over and over to make it look like grass. After hour 3 or so, I thought to myself "Oh my God this was an awful idea. I chose the worst way to make grass." Well apparently, it's not the method to blame. It's the grass. Because I used my computer to make grass this time and it SUCKED JUST AS MUCH. Whether you believe in God or Allah or Nature or Buddah or anything else, grass is proof that whatever created everything was really fucking meticulous. Because I just made a few thousand pixels of grass. The idea of making a whole planet of it makes me want to set myself on fire.

3. I'm pretty damn good at Photoshop

• I don't even have a sum-up for this one. I'm just pretty damn good.

But anyway, I hope the new appearance is to your liking. Feel free to let me know one way or the other. Comment or email.

Yours in interneting,
Ryan

Thanksgiving Break Sets In

Internet,

Thanksgiving Break has just begin for me and already its effects are setting in.
This afternoon I learned that when I don't have work to neglect, the way I waste my time becomes more elaborate. By this, I mean that when I have a paper to do, I sit and surf the internet. But when I have nothing to do, I tend to let my mind wander in less structured ways*.

Sitting alone in my room this afternoon, I spent about an hour thinking about the phrase "pot calling the kettle black" and what it meant and why it was stupid. I was sitting alone. In silence. And rather than just think it and move on, or think it and write it down, I decided to break down the whole thing using Photoshop. And yes. I will share the pictures. And I warn you, they are a little "stream-of-consciousness-y."

(pot and kettle 1)

As I said, I was thinking about the phrase “pot calling the kettle black” and I realized neither my pot nor my kettle are black. Probably black pots and kettles were very common when the phrase originated, but not so today. And today is what's happening now.

So in this scenario, the pot is either stupid or a liar.

(pot and kettle 2)

Doing the first picture made me think of the Mac PC ads so i did that.

If you think this picture looks like it's endorsing one over the other, you need to get out more. You're being a little defensive.

(pot and kettle 3)

It would suck if there were a famous song about your imperfections, wouldn’t it?

That would bother me and it clearly bothers the kettle. The kettle is being a little aggressive about it, but I think it has the right.

(pot and kettle 4)

In this scenario, the kettle doesn’t realize that most cooking apparati are not made in the shape of a fruit.

The pot is only made in the shape of a pot and this confuses the strawberry kettle. As a result he's being kind of a douche about it. He's just a stupid little kettle though. If he were as smart as a person, maybe his job wouldn't be to sit on a fire and then scream 10 minutes later. If I sat on a fire I'd scream right away.



finally...

(pot and kettle 5)

Neither pots nor kettles can speak.

...

...

...

...

...

i need a job.


Love,
Ryan




*Yes. Less structured than the internet.

Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris is an Asshole

There has been a lot of hype about Chuck Norris in recent years. He seems to be everyone's favorite action hero. But there are many things the average person does not know about their beloved Chuck Norris. There is a lot of misinformation going around and we feel we must provide you with some more accurate Chuck Norris facts so that you may make an informed decision:

Chuck Norris doesn't read books; he is an asshole.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep; he is an asshole.

Chuck Norris never counted to infinity; he is an asshole.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he is an asshole. If you can't see Chuck Norris he is still an asshole.

The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris being an asshole.

February 29th only occurs once every 4 years because Chuck Norris is an asshole.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. He is an asshole.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is asshole.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, because he's an asshole.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres think he was an asshole, because he is.

If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble, you are an asshole.


In conclusion, Chuck Norris is a giant asshole. We just thought you should know.

Much love,

-Milton & The Duke

New Things

Hey Blog,

Hope you're enjoying the things we've been doing.
Feel free to let us know: Milton.and.The.Duke@gmail.com.

In addition to Passion: The Series (episodes 1 and 2 available here and here respectively), Joe and I have started another miniseries which is just about us fucking around. The name of the show is Joe and Ryan Ryan and Joe, and you can watch the first 2 episodes of that on this youtube playlist:





More have already been shot and I'm just waiting to put them up until these have some time to breathe on their own.

Also, episode 2 of the podcast is on iTunes. If you're already subscribed, you can just tell it to update, or, if you haven't subscribed yet, please do. You can click here, or just search for "Milton & The Duke" in the iTunes store.
If you've already listened or are having trouble listening, PLEASE email or comment on the blog.
We really want to hear from you.

All this and more to come. So please stick around, faithful readers/viewers/listeners.

And as always: please tell your friends about us. I want to get famous so I can leave Joe behind. LOL JK JOE! (but seriously. help me.)

Yours in perpetuity,
Ryan

Hey Stupid, Keep the Bumper Stickers

Hey Folks,

In (too common) internet wanderings, I stumbled upon this beauty of a bumper sticker.
I get it. Obama's always saying those things about change...keep the change...like it's money....
Ha.

If you have this bumper sticker, you are an idiot.

I want to make this clear: I'm not saying this because of your politics. That really doesn't enter into the argument.

My problem with you lies here:
America is 53 Trillion Dollars in debt. We're embroiled in a war longer than our involvement in WWII (and whether you think it's justified or not, I refuse to accept that war is a good thing). The stock market just had its largest drop since 1987. The value of the dollar has dropped. The US's economic woes have touched off a global recession so extreme that the deputy governor of the Bank of England, Charles Bean, said that "This is a once in a lifetime crisis, and possibly the largest financial crisis of its kind in human history."

All of these things are pretty fucking awful, and yet, stupid bumper sticker owner, you feel we don't need change.

What the fuck?

Really? You think we're doing OK?
"No no. Just keep going. We'll just keep going like this. It'll fix itself."

The bumper sticker doesn't say "Obama, We Don't Want Your Kind of Change."
It says "Keep the Change."
As in, don't change. Change nothing.
Because, you do know, McCain promised change too. You know that, right?
BECAUSE WE NEED CHANGE SO FUCKING BAD.
But you locked on to a catchphrase that's couched in ignorance.
You must be stupid.

And best case scenario, you bought it without noticing it meant that you're opposed to all change. That just means you spent like 5 bucks on something that's not funny that you didn't understand. That means that you're making a political opinion that you didn't spend any time considering.

Smarten up,
Ryan

Passion: The Series - Episode 2: Christ 2.0

Hey guys,

Episode 2 of Passion: The Series is now online for your inter-amusement.
So far, response has been really positive and I've been told that it's better than the first one, which is my opinion also.

The point is, fucking watch this shit:



Awesome, right? Right?

Seriously though, if you could rate and/or comment and/or tell your friends (preferably all three), Joe and I would really appreciate it.

Episode 3 is coming soon.

(Also, our podcast is here right now!)

Best Week Ever,
Ryan

PS: Sorry I cursed up there before the video. That was uncalled for.

The Pun Show

Hey there,

So, one of Milton & and The Duke's side projects lately (I know, we have many) has been working with guest blogger Max Barth on The Pun Show, a fantastic comedy that he is primarily responsible for.

It's pretty excellent and both Joe and I did some notable work in it.

A message from Mr. Barth himself:

Here it is - the FIRST FULL EPISODE of The Pun Show.

Please let me know what you think! (And show it to your friends.)

It's not a profound message, but it's honest. And that's what counts.





Seriously though, he did a really great job on it and it was a lot of fun to make, so do yourselves a favor and watch it.

Love,
Ryan

Additionally, listen to our new podcast, and stay tuned for episode 2 of Passion: The Series, in which Jesus takes his first stab at speaking to the world. If you haven't seen it yet, episode 1 is here.

School Shooting 2000

It bothers me that whenever some kid shoots up his high school, everyone jumps to blaming South Park and heavy metal. This needs to stop. As many of you probably know, South Park is my favorite show. I have seen every episode at least once, and never has it made me want to shoot up my school. You know what made me want to shoot up my high school? My high school. Things like South Park are what kept me from shooting up my school. All the absurdity and hypocrisy I saw in school and on the news every day made me want to lose it, but South Park was one of the few things I identified with. I felt like the creators had gone through exactly what I was going through, and had learned to express their dissatisfaction and make sense of their lives through humor, and it inspired me to do the same. Anyone who believes that South Park is part of the problem is part of the problem.

I mentioned heavy metal - we also need to stop blaming violence on Marilyn Manson. The people who blame Manson have never heard his music. I don't listen to that much Marilyn Manson, but I do know that he is far more insightful than people are willing to admit, and that his intention has never been to incite kids to violence. It's not all sunshine and puppies, but he does not want teenagers to shoot up their schools. Trust me, people, Maryilyn Manson is no more responsible for school shootings than Cookie Monster is for childhood obesity*. That's right, the same moral crusaders who pinned Columbine on a metal singer and two comedians has now forced Cookie Monster to eat vegetables on Sesame Street

This is nonsense. I watched Cookie Monster all the time growing up and somehow managed not to be a fatass. Maybe it's because my parents took a fucking minute to pay attention to me and teach me that cookies are not always a good thing.

Stop making Cookie Monster eat lettuce. And stop blaming all bad things on Marilyn Manson. Stop blaming the rest of the world and talk to your fucking kids.


-Joe


*I'm so glad I got to mention Cookie Monster and Marilyn Manson in the same sentence.



BTDUBS:
Our podcast is now available and searchable on itunes. Just search "Milton and the Duke."

Milton & The Duke present: THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE PODCAST

After much time and effort, the first episode of the Milton & The Duke podcast is online!

SUBSCRIBE HERE!

That link will open in iTunes.

It's not searchable in the iTunes store yet, but it will be in a few days.

If you want to subscribe through another program, click here.



I promise it's funny, and there are more coming in a more timely fashion.





If you have any trouble, any comments, any suggestion, please email us:

Milton.and.The.Duke@gmail.com





Those links again:

Subscribe in iTunes
Subscribe with something else

Happy listening!
Ryan

Podcast Update

Ladies and Gentlefolk,

I estimate the Podcast will be online in three days.

THREE DAYS!

You'll get to hear Joe and I talk about possible names for the podcast, things that irritate us, and an interview with a very prestigious professor of pop culture history and music.

All of it is, as expected, hilarious.

SO GET READY FOR IT.

Here's the title card, just to give you a taste.



ALSO, if you haven't voted yet in the presidential election yet, there's still time as I write this.


And many many more,
Ryan

I defy you not to find this to be the single most adorable thing of all time.

LOOK AT THIS WEBCAM

Also, very soon I'll have the first episode of the (as-of-yet unnamed) Milton & The Duke Podcast!!!
It's funny and you'll like it.

Let the puppies keep you company until then.

Ryan