Poetry Class

I wrote this for my poetry class. We were essentially supposed to write a poem about abuse, so what I did was change the lyrics to Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" to be from the eyes of an abuser. It's messed up. Again, I actually turned this in for a class.


This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
I hit a girl, and I liked it
Don’t know why I don’t mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right
I am a monster tonight
I hear you cry out my name
It’s disturbing
It’s almost as if this is a game
Just human nature
Do I win?
Do I lose?
Who are you?
I just don’t know what to do
I hit a girl and I liked it
I hope for no more surprises
It felt so wrong, it felt so right
I am a monster tonight


This is what happens when I'm asked to write poetry.

-Joe

Ladies and Gentlemen...

...CAN WE PLEASE ELECT THIS MAN?

Ryan

Holy Christ, I'm a Minister!

Hello, my interchildren

I am pleased to announce my ordination as a minister of the Universal Life Church.



That's right. Brother Martin says that I am now a fully and legally ordained minister of the ULC, and I am legally "entitled to all of the rights of an ordained minister. You have the authority to perform marriages, baptisms, and all other ceremonies of the church."

That's exciting news.

My eyes are open to a whole new world.
I have so many questions now!
Like: Can I use this to cut in lines at movie theaters? Can I excommunicate people who don't hold the door for me? Is this blog officially Gospel now?
I don't know!
But the possibilities seem endless.

May whichever God this Church believes in bless you,
Rev. Ryan

(PS. If you want to become a minister, and you have 5 free minutes, a name, and an address, you can get ordained. It's really a day brightener. I suggest it.)

Jonas Feud Pt. 4

This is the newest video installment of our continuing conflict with Nick Jonas.

I try to apologize for Joe's terrible and potentially career sinking actions, but, as with most things in my life, Joe ruins that.



Love,
Ryan

(PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US)

Jonas Feud Pt. 3

It looks like this month's J-14 has noticed our on-going feud with Nick Jonas.



WHY WON'T YOU RESPOND, NICK JONAS? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

A Video of Joe's Dreams

This is what Joe sees every night when he goes to sleep.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Again. In Joe's dreams, he is a woman who dances with Brad Pitt.
That's what he dreams of.

Love,
Ryan

(PS: Internets, I have forgiven you. But you owe Jib-Jab some gratitude for that)

(PPS: I just found out Joe used to do gymnastics. That's not even a lie.)

Facebook Groups

Internets,
I have some problems with you. Specifically the Facebook part of you.
No. It's not about the new design. And please, shut up about that. No one is listening.
My problem lies with the tons of awful stupid groups.

I was clicking around Facebook and I searched "updates" because I wanted to see some updates that were made to my pages thing or whatever. That doesn't matter.

So I searched "updates" and the first group that came up was "Campaign to lose the mandatory "is" from status updates!" How long has it been now since that actually happened? It's been at least months since Facebook took away the mandatory "is." And yet this group has 42,353 members. Let me say that again: 42,353 member. Let me write it out in words: Forty-two thousand, three hundred fifty-three members in a group that petitioned for something stupid and got it months. 42,353 people are still campaigning for something that already happened. That's like campaigning for "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policies for Subway sandwich shops. Not only was that never worth your time, but it happened and it's over. I don't ever want to hear about it again.







Also, this is the picture for the group. That's really stupid. Pick something that is at least somewhat like your group. You people are awful.












The second group I came across is "Campaign to get the 'is' removed from facebook status updates"

What?? WHAT??

This group has 8,507 members. COME ON. Why do we need two groups for this? Again: IT HAPPENED! IT'S OVER!
And even before, when people felt the urge to campaign for this IDIOTIC cause, they couldn't get their shit together to all join just one group? That's a little depressing to me. If you care enough to be an activist for anything, even something really stupid, then you really should take at least ten seconds to research it. Ten seconds! That's not that much. If I, at some point, do something that causes people to Facebook petition against me, if I see two separate groups saying identical things, I'm going to ignore both. I'm going to assume that if you guys can't get your shit together enough to form into one cohesive petitioning unit, then you don't really care.

The rest of my complaints can be summed up with my reposting of the video of this sketch that Joe and I wrote:



Please, internets, re-earn my respect.

Love (yes, I still love you),
Ryan

Jonas Feud Pt. 2

The feud continues.

See No Evil

I think the best people to be right now are George W. Bush and Barack Obama. I mean seriously, no one has even talked about Bush for months. Do we really have any reason to believe that he's being any less awful right now than he has been for the past 8 years? No, it's just that no one's watching him do it now because everyone's so damn focused on the election. And in a few months, he's out of there, never to have a responsibility again. He can go douche around in Texas as much as he wants. I think it's a well-deserved break. Not that I think he's done a great job, but seriously, no one fucking likes this guy right now. No one has liked him for a long, long time. Finally he won't have so many people yelling at him for how awful he is, and he can just go be awful in peace.

The reason it kicks ass to be Obama right now is that no one's paying any attention to him either, but at the same time he seems to have this election pretty tied up. See, the reason no one is paying attention to Obama is because everone's talking about McCain and Palin. Specifically, everyone's talking about how much they hate McCain and Palin. I haven't seen that much hatred toward a public figure since they crucified Jesus. [Drum fill] Am I right?? AM I RIGHT???

Too soon?

-Joe

I'm Only (Not ) Sleeping

Have you ever woken up really late in the afternoon, like 3:30 or 4? While I enjoy that, because I think sleeping is one of the best things ever invented, whenever it happens I don't know how to go about my day. Do I shower? Do I eat breakfast? By the time I do all my morning shit it's time for dinner. It's bizarre.

But even weirder than waking up super late is staying up all night. This happens to me from time to time as well. For one thing, it gives me insane food cravings. One time I wanted cream cheese and guacamole at the same time. That was the day I learned that it is unwise to eat cream cheese and guacamole at the same time.

The most confusing thing to me, though, is this: when am I supposed to brush my teeth again? Because normally, I brush my teeth before going to sleep, then I do it again when I wake up. But if I'm not waking up at any point, then when do I brush? The brushing of the teeth is really the gateway between the sleep world and the waking world. If you don't go to sleep, it throws the whole system off. Is it a bed related thing maybe? Because when you wake up, you get out of bed, and then you brush your teeth. So maybe, if you don't fall asleep, there has to be a point at which you reenter you bed just so that you can get out of it, which then allows you to go brush your teeth.

I feel I can solve this whole problem by developing an addiction to NyQuil.

-Joe

The VMAs

Kanye West has officially closed this year’s VMAs, celebrating both 25 years of MTV’s Video Music Awards and the one year anniversary of Kanye’s boycotting of MTV’s Video Music Awards.

Two New Videos

Videos, videos, get your videos!


This one is a first look at our new film project "Appetite for Christmas: A Guns N' Roses Christmas Story"


And then:
JOE CALLS NICK JONAS OUT ON HIS BULLSHIT.


Please watch these and make sure to check out our other videos if you haven't seen them: http://www.youtube.com/user/MiltonandtheDuke

Love, for you, my dearests,
Ryan
for Milton and the Duke

Bookstore Blues

I was just in the school bookstore. For those of you who are unaware, when one walks into bookstore, one must leave one's bags in the front of the store. This is a reasonable rule, as security is otherwise pretty lax. It would be pretty easy to walk out with something, even without your bag. Letting people bring their bags into the main area of the store would be like inviting theft. I have no problem with this.

However.

When I walked into the store, I put my bag down behind some others that were sitting on the floor in front of the shelves. As I walked toward the rest of the store, a voice called out from one of the registers.

"Excuse me sir?"

I looked up to the source of the voice. Surely the voice wasn't directed at me. I had done what I was supposed to do. It was a woman in a tie-dyed shirt, working behind one of the registers. And she was looking at me.

"Could you place your bag on the shelf instead of the floor?"

I looked down at my bag, leaning against the shelf. I looked at the multiple bags lying in front of my bag, in the middle of the floor. I looked back and forth between my bag, neatly placed very nearly already on the shelf, and the other bags, which seemed not even to acknowledge the shelf; the bags sitting there, as if there were not a shelf at all.

Seriously? I'm the problem? Really? What about these fuckers? Where were you when these happened? You fell down on the job, tie-dye shirt register lady!

I moved my bag to the shelf, realizing that a conflict of such idiotic levels really wasn't what I needed. Then I spent about three minutes in the store. I really was just there to kill time. However, now this situation was in my head and it had soured the appeal of mindlessly wandering the bookstore. I decided to leave. I walked to the front of the store. There were fucking six more backpacks piled in front of the shelves. In front of my bag. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? I looked at tie-dye register lady. She was working diligently behind her register.
What the fuck tie-dye shirt register lady?? Come on! I was the single problem? Did she not like how my bag accented the other bags?

All of this has made me decide that fuck that shit. I'm putting my bag where I want. I'll leave it at the front of the store and that's where my end of this social contract ends. Tie-dye shirt register lady: fuck you. I have no time for your bullshit.

Also, your tie-dye shirt makes you look like an idiot.

xoxo,
Ryan

Darfur

If you haven't seen this yet, this is a sketch we wrote for DP Show.

[Guest Blogger: Max is Funny] Mooseburgers

From politico.com, concerning newly annnounced VP pick Sarah Palin -


Rep. Adam Putnam, a Florida Republican, explained in a Politico interview on Monday. “I am not surprised that they don’t get it. But Americans get it. A mooseburger means she is like one of us.”


Let me repeat. According to Adam Putnam -


"A mooseburger means she is like one of us."


Again.

"A mooseburger means she is like one of us."

To be clear, here is a picture of a mooseburger. Not that anyone needs one, because hey, we all eat mooseburgers! JUST LIKE SARAH PALIN WHO IS ONE OF US!

This is the best picture I could find (make) of a mooseburger.

She's got my voteburger, that's for sure!