Wheat Bread: Point/ Counterpoint #2

Hi there. Welcome to the second half of our semi-regular debate column.
In this session of point/counterpoint Joe and I will debate the merits of rice bread vs. wheat bread respectively. Now, Joe told me that last time I missed the point a little bit and I should try to address his points more. So I'm going to try and do that more this time.

Here goes.

In his first sentence, Joe says he has a wheat allergy and then goes on and on about it. Why does he have to be so awful? "I'm Joe! I have a wheat allergy! Look how smart I am! I kill babies!" Joe is an unforgivable person. And you know, he doesn't just kill babies. He eats them! Why does he eat babies? He doesn't even explain that. He wrote a whole post and didn't even once try and apologize for how he eats babies. Joe eats babies.
I don't eat babies. I eat wheat bread. Isn't that so much better than how Joe eats babies? Because he really does eat babies! Joe really does eat babies.
Next Joe talks about how initially rice bread is dry and coarse, but soon begins to taste better than regular better bread. Why is Joe trying so hard to avoid the real issues? Like how he eats babies.
Also, Joe hates minorities and women. Should this affect the way you view rice bread? I won't tell you what to believe. But yes. It should affect the way you view rice bread. Rice bread is eaten by baby-eating, racist, misogynists. Like Joe.
Then finally, Joe "encourage[s] you to try it." What a good idea!
Of course, if you listen to that, you'll probably also listen to him when he tells you to eat babies, abuse women, and hate minorities.
I like wheat bread and I would never tell you to do anything like those things.
Who do you think is right?

From,
The half of "Milton & The Duke" that likes babies, minorities, and women,
Ryan

(How was that, Joe? I tried to stay focused more this time.)

Rice Bread: Point/ Counterpoint #2

Hey guys, it's time for our second weekly point/ counterpoint post. This week's topic is bread. I will be talking about why I think rice bread is the best bread, and Ryan will respond with his support of wheat bread. I think Ryan kind of missed the point last time; he basically just launched personal attacks at me when he was supposed to present an opposing argument. But I talked to him about it and I think he's got it. It should be better this time. Now, my thoughts on bread:

If you know me, you know I have a wheat allergy, which is actually something called celiac disease, but I use the term "wheat allergy" because it's easier for the lay folk to understand. So anyway, about 4 years ago I had to stop eating regular bread, among other things, and switch over to rice bread. At first taste, rice bread is dry, coarse, and thick. Not that pleasant when you're used to soft, luscious wheat bread. But one grows accustomed to rice bread and learns that it is much more favorable than the weak, squishy bread of wheaty origin. Rice bread is tough, heavy, and substantial. It is more filling and I am sure more nutritious than most bread. And if you toast it on up it doesn't taste much different from normal bread. I encourage people to try it, and even to make the switch, though don't give up wheat altogether, because that's just inconvenient.

-Joe

Sorry.

TheirSpace (contd.)

As promised, here is the response I received from MySpace, and my response to that response.

Ahem. MySpace writes:

Hello,

YOUR ACCOUNT WAS CANCELLED

If your MySpace account/profile has been deleted it was likely removed by MySpace because of a violation of our Terms of Service which can include a number of issues (inappropriate images, spam, cyberbullying, underage user, etc...). MySpace is a community where free expression is encouraged; however, we also have a responsibility to all of our users to ensure everyone abides by our Terms of Service. For more information on our Terms click here or go to: http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=misc.terms

Because I believe I have already addressed that, I responded thusly:

Dear MySpace,

YOU ARE NOT UNDERSTANDING ME.

I made an account, it was canceled. Fine. Maybe there was something wrong. I have no fucking idea what could have been wrong. No one ever alerted me to any problems. I only had that account a single night before it vanished without warning. As far as I know there was nothing wrong with it.

THATS NOT EVEN THE ISSUE ANYMORE!

I tried several times to make another account and it was taken down before I added ANYTHING to the profile. WHAT POSSIBLE PART OF THE TERMS OF SERVICE COULD I HAVE VIOLATED WITHOUT EVER DOING ANYTHING BUT SIGNING UP?

What has to happen so I can make an account? This whole process has been embarrassingly idiotic.

Lots of love,
Ryan

I'm not sure why it took them so long to respond to my email when this was all they had to offer.
"Dear MySpace, my account was canceled. Why was it canceled?"
"Dear Ryan, your account was canceled. Why don't you guess?"

Fuck MySpace,
Ryan

Lemons - Counterpoint

Hello blogging audience,

As Joe said, the two of us have decided to start a semi-regular debate series where Joe will present a point of view on a particular topic and I would follow up with a rebuttal.

This is the counterpoint to Joe's post on lemon water.


I'd like to thank my opponent Joe for making such passionate and thought-out points on the topic of lemon water. There are, however, a few points uposn which we disagree.

First of all, anyone who agrees with Joe is a Nazi-sympathizer. His opinions clearly mark him as someone of little worth and of great racism. Maybe, if he was able to make better points than a chimp with brain damage, I would agree with him. But he's obviously an idiot. And, if I just happened to look at this post without knowing Joe, I would assume he was ugly as well.

Another thing about Joe's thoughts on lemon water, is that he is very obviously a Communist. As a matter of fact, the most impressive thing about Joe's post is that he manages to be a fascist and a communist at the same time. I am truly in awe of the fact that Joe proved to be so many awful things at once.

In conclusions, all of Joe's points are obviously wrong.

Ryan

(I think that went really well! We'll have to do this again!)

Lemons

Hey there, people who have enough time to waste reading this stuff, this is your old friend Joe. It's been too long since I've spoken to you all. I feel like this blog is being taken over by Ryan and that other kid.

Anywho, We have decided to add a new weekly, monthly, or whenever-the-fuck-we-want-ly debate feature to this here blog. Here's how it works: I will present an argument about a given topic, and Ryan will write a rebuttal. Simple enough. This post's topic is: Lemon water.


I feel like there was a time in which you could choose whether or not you were given a lemon with your water at a restaurant. But nowadays, they just always put the lemon right up there on the side of the glass. I hate having lemon in my water, so I just take it off, but there's always a little bit of lemon flavor that slips into the water. Just enough to upset me. Other times they just throw the lemon right in the glass, and that's just dick. They're not even trying to give me the option.

The whole concept of flavored water is unsound. There's water, and then there's juice. There really should be no in between. If I want lemonade, I'll have lemonade, but when I want water, I want water and nothing else. I tried a flavored Dasani water once. It tasted like a watered down freezie pop. It's just not right, and it shouldn't happen. Water is fine the way it is.

Thank you

-Joe (Milton)

TheirSpace

Dear Internet,

I think a good many people have realized (and rightly so) that MySpace is a load of shit. It's messy, inconvenient, and not a great tool for communcating with people you actually want to talk to. And that's ignoring the fact that it is one of the more effective tools in the utility belt of the rapist. MySpace is bad. However, foolishly, I ignored these and many other reasons I should avoid MySpace, and decided to open one up. Let's back up.

Last night, I decided to really try and develop some kind of internet portfolio. If I'm going to develop any kind of career in comedy, I should have a base. And MySpace has a section for comedians. So I signed up for MySpace. I went through the whole vaguely irritating process of entering all my information. So I signed up and they sent me an email and I clicked the link to validate the email, which is irritating in its own right. Because I just typed in all this information, and now I have to open another screen, because you don't want to leave the page you're on, because what if that stuff gets messed up if you leave it? Because they always have a note there that says to check your email and click the link and return here. And I don't trust these internet sites to follow their own rules. I don't think they really want me to get back to that page. They've got my email. That's all they really want. So they can send me awkwardly written pr0n emails so I can't check email around my family any more.

But that's neither here nor there.

ANYWAY. I click the link to validate the email and instead of saying "Cool, dude! You validated! Come hang out with me! I'm Tom!" it says "Sorry! an unexpected error has occurred. This error has been forwarded to MySpace's technical group." Weird, because this is pretty much the first function I've asked MySpace to handle and it can't do it. But whatever. I clicked the link to my profile and it took me there and it looked fine, so that's cool. I spent the next hour or so uploading videos, changing the theme, entering my heroes and about me and all of that nonsense. Then I added a bunch of comedian people as friends so it looked like I knew what I was doing.

Finally, I figured that I had done all I needed to do for the night. It looked pulled together enough.

The next morning, still excited about possibly having a future, I tried to log back into MySpace to see if the celebrities I pretended to know had decided to aid my illusion. But MySpace wasn't having it.

MySpace: Log in, please.
Me: Okey dokey! Here ya go!
MySpace: Log in, please.
Me: Okey do- wait, what? Um, ok.
MySpace: Log in, please.

I try to look up the page I set up, to see if maybe the page was there and I had just made a password mistake, so I clicked around and, instead of my colorful and witty profile, I received this message:
Invalid Friend ID.
This user has either cancelled their membership, or their account has been deleted.

What? What is this?
I know I didn't cancel it, because I had a MySpace years ago, and it was an epic struggle trying to get that fucker down last time. I would have noticed if I had done it again. So they deleted it, I guess? Was one of my answers too snarky? Did Tom disapprove of my feelings toward Shakira?

Now, I tend to blame myself for most of the things that aren't ok around me. So I figured that probbbbably it was because I'd had that problem with validating my email. I should have tried again. I must have clicked wrong.

So I went in for another pass. I signed up again. It sent me a validation email. I clicked the link. This time it brought me to a page that said something more like "Yay, you did the thing!" and I figured probably I had resolved the problem. This time I would really be firmly set here in the MySpace community. But then, I went to edit my profile again and it told me that my profile didn't exist and that I was stupid or evil and I had either canceled my account or been deleted because of something I had said or done. I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING! I LITERALLY HAD ONLY JUST SIGNED UP! So, unless MySpace considered my signing up to be offensive, this was definitely not my fault.

So then, I figured an email was due. I sent one in to one of the pretty anonymous sounding emails. They're all kind of like "MySpaceSupervisoryAdministration@MySpace.com." I always have my doubts about email addresses that don't sound like they go to one person.

Here is my email:

I'm very confused. My MySpace keeps getting deleted or something. I keep setting up a new one and withing a few hours I can no longer access it. I'm validating my email and everything and I haven't gotten any explanation for why I'm getting kicked out. Please help me out? This is getting incredibly frustrating.
Ryan

They responded suspiciously fast with this:

Hello,

To change personal information on your MySpace account:

1. Log in to your MySpace account.
2. Click on Edit Profile in the upper left corner of your homepage.
3. Make the changes you’d like to make.
4. Save changes.

Here’s what you can do:

INTERESTS & PERSONALITY
Inform users about yourself in the About Me section and Who You’d Like to Meet. You can also let users know your favorite Books, Movies, Television Shows, Music, Heroes, and Interests.

Please Note: You may enter HTML/DHTML or CSS in any text field. Javascript is not allowed. Do not use HTML/CSS to cover MySpace advertisements. To disable clickable links in Interests / Music / Movies / Television / Books / Heroes, put a anywhere in the box.

NAME
Change your Display Name or your First and Last Name. Please be aware that changing your First and Last Name are private but will affect how users are able to search for you.

BASIC INFORMATION
Select your gender, Date of Birth, Occupation, Location, Ethnicity, and Body Type. You can also indicate whether you would like to Network, Find a Serious Relationship, Date, stay in touch with or make new Friends.

BACKGROUND & LIFESTYLE
Give current information on your Marital Status, Children, Education and Income. You can let users know if you’re a Drinker or a Smoker as well as letting them know your Sexual Orientation, Hometown, and Religion.

SCHOOLS
Add all of the schools you’ve attended beginning with your high school. If your school is not listed and you would like us to add it, select Country, State, and City under Add School at the bottom of the page then submit your school.

COMPANIES
Add companies that you are working for or have previously worked for.

NETWORKING
Indicate the industry you are interested in. By selecting an industry, you enable yourself to be searched within that industry.

SONG & VIDEO
Add a song to your profile from MySpace Music, or change the one that’s playing. View your Profile song history, and change your Music Player Skin. You can also add and remove Videos from MySpaceTV in this section along with changing the player and button colors.


We hope you found this information helpful. If this message does not answer your question, please reply to this email leaving the subject line and footer information in tact. For the most up-to-date messages about MySpace, subscribe to the MySpace Help blog. You get updates almost every day! Go here to subscribe: www.myspace.com/myspacehelp

If you didn't finish that part, that's cool. Because it's fucking stupid. It's basically, "Oh, you have a problem with MySpace? Well....MYSPACE! WOO!"

Apparently they thought that when I said that my profile kept getting canceled, I actually meant "what does 'Schools' mean???"

I responded with another email:

Your answer? It is bullshit. When I start, I can edit my profile for a while, and then it disappears. Then, instead of addressing me as Ryan, it calls me undefined. When I click to see my profile it says it is an invalid friend link. It tells me there has been an error when I try to edit my profile. When I log out and log back in, it acts like I'm wrong. I try that for a while, then I start over and it lets me use the same email and everything.

This answer you sent me? It's useless.

Read what I sent you.

Ryan

Is it a little bitchy? Well...yes. But seriously? Fuck these guys.

They haven't responded yet.

I'll let you know.



Hating MySpace,
Ryan

So that thing, I did?....

A firm and hardy handshake to all who dwell here,

Hello friends. I come bearing stuff. Remember that thing I posted about how I did standup (see last post)? Well I have those videos for you now.

First, Max Barth's video (because it came first chronologically):




Then my video!





Please! Watch both and enjoy!

Love and funny,
Ryan

a thing i did.

Hey howdy hey, Blogosphere!

I just got back from doing a comedy set at an open mic at the Steel City Coffee House in Phoenixville, PA. Also, guest blogger Max Barth was there and I guess he did some funny stuff too. Whatever.

I covered fatness and tourism.
He covered cancer and retardation.
But whatever. To each his own.

The point is, we got it on film, so within the next couple of days, both our sets will be up. Our completely biased friends tell us we did magnificently.

Also, anyone who decided to read this because I plugged it at the show, welcome!

I love you all very much and I love you all equally,
Ryan


PS. I don't know if any of you...tumble? tumblr? tumbl, I guess. Well, anyway, if any of you do that, I have one at http://preduke.tumblr.com/

Check it out. Maybe I'll follow you and you can pretend I'm a stranger and that you're popular or something. Whatever. I'm typing too much.

[Guest Blogger: Max is Funny] Does this make me awful?

Max: does that make me awful?
Ryan: lil bit
Max: can I put that on the blog?
Ryan: lemme think
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: because most of me wants to say yes



Internets,
Max

Nue Clue

Apparently Parker Brothers are putting out a new version of the classic boardgame Clue™.

from NPR

”We wanted something that the mom or dad who’s bringing home for the family [could say], ‘This is what I remember, and this is what I want to play with my kids,’ ” [game designer] Daviau says. “At the same time, we wanted something the kids would feel like it belonged to them. And this is something that’s very appealing to them. So we tried to blend those two worlds. It plays like Clue, it feels like Clue, but it just feels like Clue that would have been created in the 21st century.”

Are people really not playing Clue™ because it feels old-fashioned? Because, if they are, this update is not gonna do it. If they turn it into a Grand Theft Auto knock-off, that might. I have never met anyone who turned down a game of Clue™ for any reason other than the fact that they DON’T LIKE CLUE™. It’s that simple. Parker Brothers, if you want to appeal to that group of people, all you have to do is make it not Clue™.


Clueless (in a good way),
Ryan