Naga-sucky

I think that history treats no one worse than the victims of the atomic bomb dropped on Nagasaki, Japan. All anyone cares about is Hiroshima, I guess because they were the first. By the time America bombed Nagasaki, the nuke was old news. The book we just read in my US History class is only about Hiroshima, with perhaps a few throw-away references to the fact that Nagasaki was bombed next. That's pretty much how we learn about it in those classes, too, isn't it?

"Yes, the bombing of Hiroshima was devastating; 130,000 people died. Here's a list of ALL the people who survived: Matsyu Nakamura, Fatsu Yakanawa, Jitsi Mikiniwi, Yaeko Lamahanagafatata........and they all had radiation poisoning and their skin fell off and their families died and they spent weeks wandering before they found food and they cared for those who were worse off than they were, even though they were severely injured themselves...oh, and then we bombed Nagasaki."

I mean, I'm sure the experience in Nagasaki was fairly similar to that of Hiroshima, so maybe we don't need to spend as much time on it, but is there really nothing else we can say for Nagasaki? We drop a nuke on them, and that's all the mention we give them in the history books? I guess all it really did was end the largest, most violent conflict in human history.

And did you know there was a third bomb ready to be dropped? Thank god it wasn't, because then what would have become of Nagasaki? Then they would just be the second, the inconsequential middle player, and no one would ever think of them. It would be like winning the silver medal. Also, it saved a few tens of thousands of lives. I guess that's good too.

Benevolence,

-Joe

I was just clicking around Amazon.com( as I often do, because I have raised procrastination to an art), and I started looking for flasks, because, you know, why not?

The reason this is interesting to you is because under the main product area, they have that "Better Together" section where they suggest that you buy another item that will in some way enhance the first item. I bid you, look at their suggestion for this flask.
They suggest an accessory for the freaking Wii!!!

Hmmm. Well, we know this guy likes to always be carrying alcohol on his body. What other thing would he like? Wii!!! Yaay Wii!

I don't know if this tells us more about alcoholism, Amazon.com, or the Nintendo Wii.


(Heart),
Ryan

Why is it that on commercials for sleeping pills, they tell you not to drive or operate machinery while on the medicine? Who the hell is taking sleeping pills and going for a drive? Which people among us are the ones having this conversation: "Hey, let's go for a drive." "Wait, let me take my sleeping pills first"?

But not only do they say not to operate machinery, they say "Until you know how you will react to [the medication], don't drive or operate machinery," as if to suggest that there is some point at which it will be safe for you to take the pills and then get behind the wheel. They are also suggesting that the effect of the pills is a mystery. It's a fucking sleeping pill. How do you think you'll react to it?

Anger and bewilderment,

-Joe

[Guest Column] OCLD, AICFD & "Football"

I’ll say it: I have OCD. I’m also incredibly lazy. Needless to say, this is not the best combination. It’s like being a smoker with no arms – you can do it, with help, but it’s just not the same…. and everyone will make fun of you.
And when I say “I have OCD” [see above], I mean that I self-diagnosed myself in a rare fit of doctor-hood - I was just sitting, and suddenly I felt like I was going to be sued by fat people. I decided to take action, and used my newfound confidence in my almost encyclopedic medical knowledge [band aid on blood…like, duh.] to diagnose myself with a disease that would bring me both respect and awe. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to look such a disease up…and, apparently, there is no such thing as “awesome-i-can-fly-disease”. In my professional opinion, AICFD would be, well, awesome to have. But I don’t have it………yet.
Also, I was just in Italy, and these kids were like “football, football!” while they pointed at a field we drove by. I stood up and, pointing, declared “boring! boring!”. I thought it was funny. The look on their faces told me otherwise.
Apparently you don’t get points for plain old enthusiasm any more….

Blog,

Max

Good Vibrations

So, here's a weird thing. I'm happy. Like giddy. And I have no idea why. It's kinda weird. Last night I was pissy, now I'm happy. Like I wanna grab the world and ride it around like a grocery store robot pony. Which I guess is just mostly a little back and forth. But still, aren't those things fun? At the Dairy Queen in my town, they have one of those things only it's a super tiny carousel! Fucking sweet, right?! I mean, right?!

But I so rarely am this ridiculous level of happy, so I figured I'd try and chronologue it. ...You know, I don't think chronologue is a word, but it's pretty evocative, yeah? I think it is.

What was I saying? I just wandered around the room franticly yet aimlessly and I forgot my point. I was gonna say something about things that make me happy. OH!
You guys, you know know how I made that list of things irritating me at that specific moment? Like a few posts ago? Well, now I'm gonna do things that I find delightful.

• Tissue with lotion.
  
• Isn't it great to blow your nose and and apply lotion at the same time? It's so convenient!
• Denim shirts.
• Not to wear them. But I find them a little hilarious.

Lalala what else.... Um....

• Doing/Seeing magic tricks.
• Magic is fucking awesome. You with me? Seriously!
• Nice weather
• Okay, so it's not really nice right now, but when it is, boy, that's great.

Wow. I'm too wired to really think of more things. But things rock! Like everything that's a thing, really, is pretty cool.

LALALA,
Ryan

Oh wait. I'm not done yet. Ok. Couple more things.

First: check out clarkandmichael.com. It's (mainly) this "mockumentary" series about Clark Duke and Michael Cera trying to get a tv pilot made, and it's pretty hilarious.

Second: I don't remember the second thing. I'll let you know.

Love you guys!
Ryan

This was the last response I wrote for my Personal Essay class, after reading Paul Auster's piece "Why Write?" in his book "The Red Notebook." It's one of the strangest things I've written. I wrote it really late and didn't feel like being serious. It caught my teacher completely off guard. When I presented it in class, a misunderstanding almost led her to believe I was ok with rape. All in all it was a fun day.

***

This piece made me think about why I write. Well, there are things I feel need to be said. I think of the "Baby On Board" stickers I see on cars from time to time. When I first noticed them, I had to question the thought process; is this to suggest that more care should be taken not to hit this car because there is a baby in it? Of course I have no interest in hurting babies, but that's not to say I have any more interest in hurting older people. To me, such stickers appear to excuse reckless driving around cars that are not carrying babies, and it really makes no sense to me.

Then there are things I notice now that I did not notice in my youth that seem worth mentioning, such as the half-hearted color coordination in the original Power Rangers series. They made the black power ranger a black guy, and the yellow power ranger an Asian girl, but then they stopped there. Maybe they should have continued it. But then they would have gotten stuck at the blue one, so maybe it would have been better not to do it that way at all.

To the same tune, why is it that at the end of Back to the Future Part III, when Marty's family comes outside and sees him in cowboy garb, all they do is make a few folksy quips about it, and don't seem to be at all concerned with the fact that, in real time, they just saw him inside the house dressed normally (well, as normally as one dressed in the 80s), and now, moments later, they have come outside to see him dressed as one would have dressed literally a hundred years earlier.

Also, I can never keep quiet about grammatical errors, especially ones posted in a public place by a group or individual wishing to be taken seriously. The groups that put up the magnets in the bathrooms with the contacts for rape victims - not to bash their cause at all - made a severe mistake in sentence structure that could really mix up their message. They wrote, "Having any sexual act performed [or attempted] on you is a crime." Well that's just all wrong. Are they saying that being raped is a crime? Yes, they are. I know they don't mean that, but that's what they are saying. I ought to be in charge of proofreading these and other fliers before they're posted around campus. And paid handsomely, I might add.

I write because I have things to say that I think people need to hear for, if nothing else, a good laugh. And maybe, just maybe, I'm an arrogant jerk. But most likely I'm just an angry nerd who thinks too much about 80s sci-fi movies and poorly acted shows I used to watch when I was seven.

***

-Joe

Stay Hungry

I'm not much a fan of this hunger thing. I mean damn, stomach, I just ate 4 hours ago, and now you want more? And I ate a fair amount of food as well. If I eat any more I might start to look like a normal person. You won't even be able to see my bones through my skin anymore. But it seems that no matter how much I eat, my stomach gets all needy on the same schedule. And it's not like it's a normal schedule, either.

See, I don't get hungry in the morning. Breakfast food makes me sick, so if I am hungry in the morning, I eat something else, like a sandwich, or a steak. But usually I'm not hungry until 11 or 12 PM. And in a perfect world, I wouldn't be awake until that time, so maybe that's what my body's going for. Anywho, my body is then satisfied until about 2PM, when I have to give it an auxiliary lunch. Unfortunately that never fits into my schedule at college. But regardless, around 4 or 5 it's time for pre-dinner. Around 6:30-7, time for real dinner. At college, if there's no one around to go to the dining hall with, or I'm just sick of eating bland salad and poorly cooked potatoes, this means it's time to order nachos. I do this over the internet, and they bring it right to my dorm. This is great, because the extent of human contact involved is "I'll be right out" and "Thanks."

I love nachos, but my body sure doesn't. It always makes sure to let me know that they were a bad idea, generally with abdominal pain. But it's usually satisfied after dinner, until about 12AM, which is so rude of it, because that's usually when I'm about ready to think about maybe going to bed. But I tend to give in and feed my body at this time, then I can't sleep for a while. Because otherwise it would torture me all night. We have a pretty abusive relationship, my body and I.

That's the problem with hunger. It always comes back. It nags at you all day, interfering with your activities, until finally you get to go to sleep. Then the next day is the same, and at the end, you have to sleep again! Don't even get me started on sleep.

Love,

-Joe

P.S. If you get the reference in the title, you win.