50 Ways To Improve Your Life

I read an article recently--

Ok, parts of an article--

Fine, I skimmed it half-heartedly while waiting to have a mole removed. Anyway, the title of this article was "50 Ways To Improve Your Life in 2008," and I found it in U.S. News and World Report. I guess this is something they do every year. Naturally, I questioned their judgment, before even reading any of it. So I begin to look at the list. Unfortunately, my memory is about as reliable as that of a goldfish on pot, so I had to consult the U.S. News and World Report website, which is clearly run by Nazis who want me to fail, because they did not include the entire list. But there is a partial list. I will now impart to you some of my personal favorites, making comments accordingly, pointing out the obvious flaws and errors in judgment:

"Understand Your Inner Investor"
-I would, but I just did that yesterday.

"Use Your Cell Phone for Everything"
-50 Ways To Improve your life in 2009: "Don't use your cell phone because it will give you cancer."

"Get A Raise"
-Son of a gun, I hadn't thought of that. So this is not so much a list of things to do, more of a list of things that would be nice if they were to happen. That really is not helpful.

"Find a Book Worth Talking About"
-So I should do things that I enjoy? Surely you jest.

"Make a 'Not-to-Do List'"
-This one confuses me. What are these things that I shouldn't do that I need to write down so I remember not to do them? Don't do crack, don't hijack a bus, don't kill/mame/eat babies...man, now I'm nervous. This list is gonna be long.

"Teach Your Children How to Vote"
-Ok Johnny, so first, pay no attention to the issues. But complain and preach a lot as if you know things. Then make sure you watch a little TV, just to make sure which candidate looks the nicest. If the candidate is black, make sure you find out whether or not he or she is descended from slaves. I can't remember which is better, but I know we're supposed to get upset about it. If the candidate is a woman, make sure to focus heavily on the fact that she is a woman and not a man. Oh, and the candidate should be christian, but no mormons or catholics. Now it's election day. What's that? You don't like either nominee? Well, decide which one you hate more, then pick the other one. What do you mean, not vote? You have to vote. No, it doesn't matter who you're putting in power, it's just important to vote. If your candidate loses, be sure to complain about everything the president does, and make arbitrary, groundless claims about how perfect life would be if your candidate were president. If your candidate wins, you still must complain about all the stupid things he does, and take no responsibility for these things, despite your role in putting him in office. Now you are an American.

"Avoid Recalls: Make Your Own Toys"
-Clearly this individual is not familiar with children. Anyone who knows any child is aware that if you give little Billy a used sock with googly eyes on it instead of that awesome new Optimus Prime action figure, shit's gonna go down. Billy would trade his own mother for that toy. He would kill a goat with his bare hands and use its blood to sign his soul over to Satan. I was a young child once. There were no negotiations regarding my batmobile. Homemade toys are a terrible idea and should not be done under any circumstances.

Hopefully now you know how to improve your life in 2008.

Love and snuggles,

Joe

FUCKING TWISTED SISTER

So yes, we bitched about a Twisted Christmas already, but there is more to be said, because we gave them yet more of our money and purchased the Twisted Christmas Live DVD. However, they did not merely play their arrangements of all our favorite Christmas classics. They intertwined them with some of their old stand-bys a'swell. For instance, they dedicated "I'll Be Home for Christmas" to the troops in Iraq, then followed up with a Twisted Sister original: "Burn in Hell"....Like you do. And this is on top of the fact that their bassist appears to be a date-rapist.






Here is the set list in full. You can make your own judgments. We'd do it ourselves, but it's really too easy.


Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Shoot 'em Down*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
The Fire Still Burns
You Can't Stop Rock and Roll
White Christmas
The Price
Oh Come All Ye Faithful
I'll Be Home for Christmas
Burn in Hell
Silver Bells
A Dee Snider Rant About Socks
I Wanna Rock
Heavy Metal Christmas (The 12 Days of Christmas)
We're Not Gonna Take It




*We're forced to assume they mean Santa

Concerning the Spoon

This evening, we were forced to consider a startling question. In a traditional family dinner place setting, why is the spoon plced next to the knife?





This disturbed us deeply. It's so very wrong. Now that we've bitched a little, we shall endeavor to explain our reasoning.

The spoon and knife are the least compatible of all cutlery. They will never be necessary at the same time. In fact, many times a spoon is not needed at all.

Alright, so, you need it for soup. But! That generally comes before the actual meal, so it shouldn't be part of the main course setting. It should have its own place. Maybe towards the top...on an angle.




If you use a salad fork, that could probably go with it.

So, you need the spoon for ice cream, but that's after the meal. Same with coffee. And usually, those each come with their own spoons when they're necessary.

Of course, at first, it will be hard for people to go without dinner spoons cold-turkey. That is why we demand on the socialization of the spork.
Yes, the spork.




It needs to graduate from elementary school cafeterias and Taco Bells to restaurants, homes, and five-hundred-dollars-a-plate charity balls.

Don't get us wrong. Class it up. Sterling silver sporks. They'll come in sets and they'll be passed down from mother to daughter. They'll decorate the tables of the world's finest.


So, to summarize - spoons: superfluous, sporks: fancy.

A Twisted Christmas

First off, that title is not original. It is in fact, the title of Twisted Sister's most recent album. That's right, Twisted Sister, as in "I Wanna Rock (Rock!)" and "We're Not Gonna Take It," put out a Christmas album. You may be wondering why. We wondered the same, and we have spent a lot of time pondering it. This is how we think the initial conversation between the members of Twisted Sister went:

"Hey, 'We're Not Gonna Take It' sounds almost exactly the same as 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful.'"
"Yeah it does. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we recorded 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'? You know, because we're fucking Twisted Sister."
"Yeah, and while we're at it, let's record every Christmas song, even though a Twisted Sister Christmas album is completely uncalled for. And also I'm Jewish."

Because their last real album was released in 1987, we must assume they they've spent the last 20 years or so pitching this idea to record companies.

"Ok, we've got this idea. A Christmas album."
"What? No."
"No it'll be great!"
"No, it won't. You're fucking Twisted Sister."

Another meeting

"Ok, so we're Twisted Sister, and we think the world is crying out for a Twisted Sister Christmas album."
"That might be better if you had a style of some sort. But you don't. You're fucking Twisted Sister."

Another Meeting

"Ok, so we had this idea for a Chris-"
"No."
"But it'll be-"
"No."
"But-"
"No! Who let Twisted Sister in here? Stacy! You're fired!"

Finally, 20 years later, they met with with good folks at Razor & Tie-
Wait, Razor and Tie?
Yeah.
What the fuck is that?
You know...Razor & Tie...So they met with the good folks at Razor & Tie.

"So, and you probably won't like this, but we want to do Christmas album, because-"
"Stop right there. Genius. I can't believe we didn't think of this before"
"Wait, really?"
"Absolutely. Let me give you a hug."
"Awesome! We'll do it right now! Give us an hour."

And that is the story of how Twisted Sister saved Christmas...

Anyway, we bought the album and listened to the whole thing. Also, we're listening to it right now. I guess they won.


-Ryan and Joe

Welcome!

Welcome to the Milton and the Duke blog. Here is where we will post anything we're doing as far as performances and whatnot, as well as any stray dissociative thoughts that ramble through our heads. Enjoy.

-Ryan and Joe